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Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Mascot Wars

Here's a TV ad storyline that will not, never ever, see the light of day...


Exterior shot of Chinese fast food. Cut to interior. Doors swing open, ala Hollywood's wild, wild western flicks. Cut to a pair of big red boots. Then cut to worm's eye view, four silhouetted figures standing on the doorway. Diners look over and freeze.

In front of the pack, we see Ronald McDonald with a baseball bat. Diners, sensing the impending danger, rise from their seats and abandon their dimsum dumplings and their lauriats. Walk away with a purpose.

Ronald points towards the cashier with his big, red baseball bat. Hamburglar knocks over a thawing halo-halo from a table. Grimace stand right behind Ronald, grimacing.

Then, 150 frames per second, the Chef emerges from the kitchen, his arms crossed in an apparent display of defiance. Cut to a tight shot of Ronald's face. Cut to tight shot of Chef's face.

Action sequence. Chef opens his clenched fist, raises it at eye-level, then blows hard. A cloud of pepper. Ronald, never expecting the move, temporarily blinded, gets it right smack on the solar plexus. Hamburglar goes on offense, swinging his arms, left-right-left-right, in the air. Chef wards off the blows with Jet Li efficiency. Hamburglar gets one on the jaw and goes down for the count.

Cut to exterior, we see a fuming Jollibee pacing to and fro, tapping his gloved digits on his chin. Right at the exact moment when he decides to give Ronald a hand, a chair exits through the glass wall, in a shower of shards. His mettle shrinks in an instant and he walks away.

Cut to interior. The dust settling. We see one red boot, shaking vigorously. Spasm. Next to it is a broken baseball bat, cracked right in the middle. Cut to Grimace lying still, in a coma maybe. Or worse.

Then, 150 frames per second, Chef emerges, immaculate white, as the dust part. Cut to medium shot. He crosses his arms, then nods in victory.

Fade in Chinese fast food end tag. End of commercial.


bwah ha ha! i think you had too much butchie, my dear.
kulang na lang gawing arnis yung chopstix.

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